Making Assumptions: Can You Catch Yourself?

Red Wheel Weiser
4 min readApr 13, 2020

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by Judy Ringer, author, Turn Enemies Into Allies

Before we began social distancing when my recreation center was still open, I swam every morning and often finished up in the hot tub. One morning I was joined by a fellow swimmer. We knew each other by name but otherwise not well.

Without preamble, my hot tub buddy began talking about the news of the day as if I was in his brain. Assuming I understood exactly where he was coming from, he also presumed I agreed with his views on the politics involved.

As it happened, he was upset with what was going on in the primary race (COVID-19 wasn’t yet a common topic of discussion), and he imagined I had similar misgivings. I couldn’t tell if he expected me to engage in the conversation or if he just needed to be heard. I didn’t engage. I was enjoying my quiet time in the tub and didn’t want to encourage his strong emotions. I also felt differently about some of the things he was angry about.

Regardless, he kept up a one-sided conversation, with increasing anger and frustration. I smiled and nodded and finally left the tub, saying, “I hope your day gets better.” Instead of having a positive effect, my statement seemed to pour gasoline on the fire. He replied that things weren’t likely to get better, but worse. I left for the locker room.

Making Assumptions

What struck me most about this brief encounter was the assumption my hot tub friend made that I wanted to talk about these topics at that hour of the morning in that particular setting, and — more surprising — the assumption that I had the same views and feelings.

You may have noticed in your own walk through life on our planet, that regardless of the topic, we (and I include myself in this) are encouraged to take sides on things. It is no longer fashionable to look for the positive intent behind an opposing view or to entertain that we might be wrong — or at least not have all the facts. From facemasks to Facebook, we must have an opinion, stick to it, and oppose, resist or demean any other.

Making assumptions is not helpful in solving the difficult problems we face, yet we continue to do it. How can we start to notice this common trait and open ourselves to dialogue rather than debate?

The False Consensus Effect

In my book, Turn Enemies Into Allies: The Art of Peace in the Workplace, I write about a concept called the false consensus effect, which is the tendency to believe everyone thinks the way we do and has similar beliefs and values. Amy Edmondson, in her book Teaming: How Organizations Learn, Innovate, and Compete in the Knowledge Economy, calls these false assumptions our Basic Human Challenge”. Dr. Edmondson explains how it is difficult to learn when we know our perspective is more accurate than others’. This Basic Human Challenge is reinforced by research that shows our brains are chemically wired to make us think that our view of reality is, in fact, Reality.

Can You Catch Yourself?

In my experience, believing our reality is The Reality is naïve, disrespectful, and encourages conflict and unproductive conversations. Perhaps we don’t mean to be disrespectful. It’s just that most of the time we’re blind to the fact that we’re making assumptions. We have to learn to catch ourselves in the act!

I’m trying to get better at this, and I’ve come up with two fairly simple reminders to stop assuming everyone thinks the way I do — in whatever the conversation might be.

1) State my view as “my view” or “this is what I think.”

Talking recently with two good friends, I wanted to discuss the (in my view) fairly alarming news of the day before. I was curious about how they felt, although I realized (in time!) that I was about to make an assumption that we all felt the same. So, instead, I said I was curious about their thoughts on it, and I volunteered mine first, saying: “This is what I think about what happened yesterday… “

2) Ask if the listener feels the same or differently.

Then I asked how they were thinking about it. In this case, we did feel similarly, although with some differences, and I felt happy that I caught myself making an assumption.

Inquiry and Curiosity

It’s really quite simple, once I catch myself, to overcome what is a natural tendency — and basic human challenge. The keys are skillful self-inquiry — am I making an assumption here? — and an openness to and curiosity about other realities and belief systems.

Have you been on the receiving end of the false consensus effect? And when have you been the one making the assumption that your reality was The Reality. As with any behavior change, noticing the behavior without judgment is crucial. The good news is that it only takes practice. The more I notice, the more I notice. Just like building physical muscles, we can build awareness muscles. Soon you’ll be strong enough to tackle even the most difficult conversations.

© Judy Ringer, Power & Presence Training

Judy Ringer is the author of Turn Enemies Into Allies: The Art of Peace in the Workplace. She provides conflict and communication skills training based on mind/body principles from the martial art aikido, in which she holds a third-degree black belt. Judy is also the author of Unlikely Teachers: Finding the Hidden Gifts in Daily Conflict, and three CDs: Managing Conflict in the Workplace, Simple Gifts: Making the Most of Life’s Ki Moments, and This Little Light: The Gift of Christmas.

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Red Wheel Weiser
Red Wheel Weiser

Written by Red Wheel Weiser

Imprints include Red Wheel, Weiser Books, Career Press, New Page Books & Hampton Roads. Books to live by.

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